Oh Right

Yea I passed that whole Bar Exam thing and I'm a licensed Attorney in Illinois. Clerking for the city, but that's better than what most of my peers are up to.

Bad time to be an Attorney, or something.

I will start sharing my deep and squishy feelings again. It's possible I might rename this blog "Softball and Feelings".

Tomorrow- The Illinois Bar Exam

Tomorrow I take day one of the Illinois Bar exam. A morning of Illinois essays, then a multistate performance test (practical lawyering stuff), and an afternoon of multistate essays. This stuff is going to be hard, very hard. The next day, MBE, Multistate multiple-choice portion, I'm not so worried about.

Today, I am doing nothing. No point studying, I'm burned out, nothing more will stick, I know it, or I don't.

2 days of hell. I can't even believe I'm at this point. I can barely believe I graduated University, nevermind having gone through Lawschool, gotten a J.D., and now have myself poised to take the ILLINOIS BAR EXAMINATION, which, if I pass, ensures a PROFESSIONAL LICENSE to practice LAW in the state of Illinois (and then by fee, Federal Court when I need to).

I already took and passed the MPRE ethics exam, I seem to have passed the CHARACTER AND FITNESS background check, it's just this test, this one HUGE, MONSTER, EVIL test.

I can't wait for it to be over, the mental stress, as well as the physical (really let myself go recently) is a lot, I can't wait to think like a normal person again, go to the gym, salvage myself.

It's just hard to believe not only that I'm at this point where I can take this exam, It's hard to believe what this exam means. It means:

1) I'm an adult, at least in the eyes of the world. I feel like a kid still. Can you believe, someone who feels like a kid is about to take a test in order to be conferred a professional license?

2) It's Law, it means a lot of responsibility. This is the kind of license that means I can open special bank accounts for clients, am held to a higher standard of care in just about anything with any legal significance whatsoever. People are supposed to trust me, with pretty much everything. This means I can show up in court, a person's life in my hands, their future completely in my control. I am competent to handle anything, even if I don't have immediate knowledge, I am (theoretically) able to learn anything I need to learn for any legal/business matter.

I am taking a test, to be a LAWYER. Holy shit, Highschool doesn't even seem THAT long ago, and now I'm (hopefully) about to be a LAWYER?

Contracts, Torts, Constitutional Law, Evidence, Criminal Law, Criminal Procedure, Family Law, Wills, Trusts, Corporations, Agency, Partnership, Commercial Paper, Secured Transactions, Federal Jurisdiction and Procedure, Illinois Procedure, Equity, Conflict of Laws, Sales, Real Property, Personal Property, Tax, all stuff I could be tested on, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.

Well, here goes.

What the hell am I doiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing?

Lesbians will burn in hell

Today I got on the brown-line EL train in order to get down to the Daley Center and go to my Trial Ad class. I got on one of the newer carriages, sat down, and saw a lovely message written on the side by me.

The other side of the train had graffiti about the cubs that is too nasty to share

There were a few things wrong with this message.

1) It matched the fabric on the seats. I mean, if you're going to be offensive, you should not make your filth so aesthetically pleasing. The sort of nice writing, evenly spaced out, matching the fabric kind of lettering should really be reserved for meaningful comments.

2) Why use the word "lesbians"? You would think someone with such strong anti-lesbian feelings would be appraised of some nasty words for lesbians. Assuming it is a hatred just directed at leasbians, and not the gay community at large... why didn't the author use a word like "Dykes"? Now I have an image of a redneck, in a bowler hat. Refined slimeball.

3) Go back to Alabama you piece of shit.

Mike Paulin: A Terrifying Individual

Today I make a Public Service Announcement about Michael R. Paulin. This man is a terrifying individual and you should avoid him at all costs. I have known Mike for about a decade now, and not a day has gone by where I have not feared for my life or sanity.

Where is your God now?

Mike has been my roommate for the past 2 1/2 years, and my life has just become scarier and scarier. A few weeks ago, I was laying on the couch watching TV with Meg, who was sitting in a chair. I started rocking back and forth for some reason, looked over to Meg, and she asked me if we were having an earthquake. I noticed that Meg was rocking back and forth not under her own power. Beyond Meg I saw the light stand and DVD rack rocking back and forth. Turns out we were not in an Earthquake, but Mike was rocking the entire apartment from his bedroom. He was moving me and Meg back and forth where we were sitting, from the other side of the building. Mike Paulin was getting his freak on, and it was earthshaking.

Feel the super retarded power of Mike's manhood

So that's it basically, Mike f***ed both of his roommates, Meg and I will never be the same. We live in constant fear. You think I'm paranoid? Here's a message I got today from Mike via gmail:

Hey Ed, let's play hide and go rape tonight.
You hide.

I might be the only thing stopping Mike from being unleashed upon the world. I think I might deserve the congressional medal of honor. Meg should probably get a purple heart too. Pray for us.

Winning his favourite game...

A Rant about someone's Penis and Balls

So we all know about compensation right? It's where a guy is upset about the size of his penis, and does something to counterbalance that by putting forward an obnoxious display of power. Some people do it by working out until their penis really doesn't show, some people do it by being really arrogant, and some people do it by buying larger cars than they need.

The Germans have been doing it for years

Last week I saw the biggest compensation device of my life as I was driving to the dentist. I pulled up behind a LARGE SUV. There were a few stickers on the back of it. One was an Army sticker, one was a firefighter sticker, and one was a Jesus sticker. All three of which were clearly for compensation. He also had something done to his wheels apparently, had those big rims going on. Poor guy, I wonder if he even has 3 inches worth?

Then I saw something that made me feel horrible for the guy. Usually when you compensate, you are upset about your shaft dimensions, and so you do something really over the top and phallic to make up for it. Clearly, he had done that. However, there was something more... something... terrifying. Hanging from the back of his SUV were a pair of balls. Not like, spherical balls. These were TESTICLES. Yes, roughly human sized metallic testicles. It was like looking at an not neutered bulldog from behind.

Where did these balls come from? Is it a southern thing? I bet it's a fucking southern thing. The poor bastard not only has an itty bitty peenie, he also has TINY BALLS! I for one would be glad to have tiny balls if I had a tiny penis. Certainly, there would be less of the peeing all over your own gonads problem, right? This guy however was not satisfied with mitigating his lack of penis size, he felt the need to also let the ladies know that he was sorry for his lack of ball mass, and he would try extra hard to be a jackass to make it up to them.

Why the south will never rise again

Jason Voorhees, a reflection

Last night I saw Friday the 13th (the new one) in theaters. I've never seen any of the movies in the Friday the 13th series, but having seen this one, I might be interested to. It wasn't really a "scary" movie per se, it was kid of gory at times, perhaps a little disturbing (see: girl cooked alive inside a sleeping bag), but overall not a very nightmare inducing movie.

Why hello there

I like Jason Voorhees, the hero of the movie, because I feel I relate to him on some levels. For one, he and I both own machetes and hockey masks. We both care for our mothers, we both had some trouble socializing during parts of our childhood, and we both have a problem with adrenaline apparently.

One of my greatest admirations for Jason is his proficiency and respect for the blade. Yes he's a psychopath hunting people down with a machete, but he has really refined his skill with the hacking cleaver into an art. He makes it look beautiful, and I have to credit him for that. Jason also makes good use of anything else cool to kill someone with, most notably tools/weapons of a melee nature, with which he shows a great proficiency.

Jason's expertise does not end here however, as he demonstrates in the most recent movie- he is an expert archer. He also shows that he is great with psychological warfare, and is a very resilient combattant.

This movie had a ton of boobs. Boobs everywhere pretty much. Perhaps Jason doesn't like boobs all over the place, and thats why he kills everyone who disturbs his den of evil? Although I like a lot of things about Jason, there was a worrying part of the movie RE: Boobs. The asshole of the movie said something like "I really like how your nipples look, and their placement on your chest". I fear that I might be the jackass in a horror-movie-type situation, and therefore die one of the more greusome deaths. It's hard for me to accept, but I might be the dudebro douchebag type that gets really selfish, abandons everyone, and then gets love made to him with a chainsaw.

We're fucked, bro

I was pretty worried about the prospect of being that dudebro who gets it hard, if/when my life turns in to a horror film. However, I know this won't happen, and here's why:

I am such a vengeful person, that as soon as a group of us/friends started getting attacked by a psychopath, I would just up the ante and go more psycho on him. In a Jason-like situation, I think I would find myself a machete and go at it... Jason Style, on Jason. Now, maybe I would die in the process, but it certainly ensures that I just get my head cut off rather than getting violated with gardening shears.

I've certainly been in many situations where a horror movie was ABOUT to start, and then failed to. It was as if fate was opening the door, preparing to usher me in to a horrific 24 hour long horror escapade, then realized who it was, and quickly shut the door on me. This might not have so much to do with me, so much as that every time I was about to enter a horror sequence, Mike Paulin was with me. Is he the one attracting the trouble... or making sure it doesn't happen? I don't know.

A few examples of horror about to start:
1) Driving to Minneapolis with Mike sometime in 2005, where we drove by a house in the middle of nowhere in northern Iowa. The house was completely dark, except for a spire that had a single light on. In the spire was some kind of person/creature rocking violently in a rocking chair. It was below freezing outside, and about 11 at night. Now, had the horror escapade not failed to launch, I'm sure Mike's car would have broken down, and there would have been a long tortured chain of events involving basements, and crypt monsters, and torture rooms. However, whatever was in the rocking chair apparently looked out at its prey, noticed it was me and Mike, and kind of awkwardly turned it's head and just hoped we'd go on without noticing.

2) At Mary's, with the screen... it's so hard to describe but anyone who was there will tell you there was something evil that wanted to kill us. Basically, there was a projector screen, and the projector lost power. So there was nothing being projected.... but there was still something on the screen, from no apparant source. It was an evil face, and it was about to suck our souls into a torture unfathomnable by mortals. However, it saw me and Mike and said "shit... fuck this".

3) 8 Years worth of Mike's Basement. The stale cheeseballs on their own could have started a horror film.

These are just a few examples, they happen all the time- usually with Mike around. It's either got to be that the evil spirits fear us, respect us, or can't be bothered with us. Maybe it's like a Union contract, and we're marked to become psycho killer horror fiends ourselves, and so they won't mess with one of their own. Either way, Mike Paulin is haunted.

The moral of the story is this: If anyone wants to go camping by a lake that is supposedly haunted, I think we'll be fine. 1) I can out-Jason Jason. 2) I am not actually the douchebag dudebro, 3) I don't have a penchant for getting my female friends to go around topless, 4) Mike will both attract and repel all evil spirits, and 5) Stella wouldn't stand for it.

Mike and Ed? I'm not fucking with those guys...

Dan and Annie's Wedding

Two dear friends of Mine got Married the weekend before last, Daniel Krug and Annie Mahoney. I've known them both about a decade, I played Waterpolo with Dan in highschool, and lived with Annie for two years (one in college, one in law school).

We did a wedding shower/bachelor(ette) party a few weeks ago, and it involved some epic times at Medieval Times. Annie got me some cool gifts: 1) A set of foot cleaners (probably because she has always complained my feet smell), and 2) A set of Pez dispensers which are the full cast of Star Trek the original series, including the Starship enterprise.

I can't wait to use these

Today I will recount the wedding itself:

Surprise assholes, I'm at your wedding!

The day of, I went with David and Fiona to pick up some presents and David's tux. The tux was really nice, Dan picked out a good one for all the guys (we all had the same tux on, just with some different colours). If I had to make one criticism about the tux, however, it is that it didn't have the crotch enhancement sock included. There were suspenders, regular socks, pretty much everything... but nothing to make my package look totally sweet. Unfortunately I had to fashion my own; Dan didn't account for us not all already having beautiful bulges naturally (like he has), but I'm pretty pleased with the fake crotch I fashioned. The grapefruit was quite edible and delicious the next day.

Smells a bit funny..

We then went to Bed Bath and Beyond (BBB) to get some wedding presents. Unfortunately there was none of the plates Annie specifically requested in stock, but there was something that caught my eye. When I saw that they requested a "Dutch Oven", I just had to get it for them. I can not think of a better present to show my affection for the wonderful couple than an entendre to fart torture. Dan and I have happily farted on each other countless times, and I've farted on Annie (to her dismay/hatred) for about a decade straight. I'm hoping they will both enjoy the "Dutch Oven" I gave them, and that Annie will realize that my gaseous assaults on her were playful and out of love.

I met up with the girls (Bride's Party) for lunch at noodles, and they all looked hilarious. They were wearing plastic hair protectors a la old British Lady. Lunch was good, and I ensured that I would have enough pesto breath for Annie to smell from me while she was trying to enjoy the most beautiful moment of her life. We broke from lunch, I wished Annie good luck, and we went our respective ways.

...Until we met up again in Joliet at the Mansion. The Mansion Annie and Dan had their wedding reception in is next to the Chapel in which they got married. It's actually a really cool place, theres a real feeling of intimacy and awe that the beautiful old building creates. To make a point of honesty, when Annie told me that they had decided to switch from the Naper Settlement chapel to this place in Joliet... I thought this stuffy old mansion sounded pretty lame. I looked online, and I was only moderately impressed with the place. Once I stepped in the place on the day of the wedding, I instantly felt like an idiot. Henry Jacob Mansion really is an awesome place to have a wedding reception. There's a wonderful feeling to the place- but not too serious (the Jackaloupe... rabbit with antlers, mounted by the bar is evidence enough of that). Really Annie made a terrific call, and Val was right (Val and Dave got married at the same place), I can't think of a cooler place to get married really.

Also, very very haunted

David and I (running late) quickly ran to a bathroom and changed into our tuxes. There was a creepy painting of a man staring at us in there. I'm pretty sure his eyes and mouth moved, Viggo style from Ghostbusters II, minus the world domination, plus creepy rape stare. I found Mike and Emily, both of them looked pretty awesome. I noted that they had both taken care to ensure their crotches looked totally bangin' for the great cerimony. David and Mike looked really good as the "goon squad"/ushers. They went around threatening people in mob voices, which was pretty sweet. I found Dan and his guys, got a beer, and headed upstairs to make contact with the Bride's Party.

The Goon Squad

They were being girly and fixing stuff up, specifically setting Annie's dress/veil thing properly. One thing I will admit, is that Annie looked absolutely stunning. I had seen her in the dress before when she got it, and thought it was pretty good. I don't think I'm big on texture/lacing, but I thought it was a good dress on her back then. Seeing the dress on her after it had been tailored was something else entirely. She made a really good decision, it was really classy without being frumpy. Kind of modern/chic, but not obnoxious. Basically, she balanced out everything really well, and ended up looking like the kind of bride I imagine a lot of girls fantasize about being. Kudos to her. I have a long history of verbally and psychologically crapping on Annie, for my own amusement, but I can find nothing to dig her on here. She really did look amazing, but don't tell her that.

Dan also managed to look like a wedding magazine model. Like I said, he picked out a very good lucking tux design for us all. It looked extra good on him. He had a vest/tie colour called "Bisque", something that I figured might look kind of silly. I was wrong, he had the same kind of thing going as Annie- classy but not frumpy. He made that thing look awesome, really like someone in one of the David's Bridal magazines. The groomsmen also looked really good, I had figured that their colour scheme would look a little weird, but it also turned out to be really cool. The theme of this story is that I am stupid and shouldn't have doubted anything, because Dan and Annie pretty much engineered a perfect wedding.

There were a lot of professional pictures taken, with every possible combination of everyone in the wedding party- Groomsmen, Bridesmaids/men, Fathers, Mother, Ushers, and the couple. I feel like a lot of the pictures with the Bride's party that would have been otherwise cute were made creepy with a guy (me) in them. For example, when Annie lifted her dress to show her garter and we all looked to give a "that's hot" expression... pretty cute for a bunch of bridesmaids to do... maybe a little creepy with a guy in it. In any case, a lot of pictures were taken, and I can't wait to see them/order some. One of the things that was revealed to everyone during these pictures is that Annie was wearing punky sneakers with skull designs on them. This is a very subtle but very Annie touch to the wedding. Underneath it all, she's still Annie, and that's always there. I get it, pretty clever/cool. However, maybe I'm reading too much in to it and she just wanted to be comfortable.

The Ushers were deployed to usher people in right before the wedding, and then we all headed over to the Chapel. The big moment was coming up, and I was about to crap myself with nervousness. We did our procession in, and I walked down the aisle with Liz. I had tasked Liz to watch me and make sure I did everything right that I was supposed to do, and I think she saw me right to that task. Dan was pretty much the essence of stud up at the front, possibly because he had so insidiously made sure that he would have the most amazing package. The Bride came down, and I think everyone was very impressed with the aesthetic of everything (it was a very cool chapel too).

Here comes the bride

I was kind of shaky and nervous through the cerimony, almost cried a couple times but managed not to, because crying is for girls. I was psychotically focused on the tail of Annie's dress, as I was tasked with being the "Fluffer". I guess this is something the Maid/Man of honour always does. The pastor told me I was the best fluffer that he had ever seen, and that made me proud, obvious porno reference aside. Unfortunately, I think in a lot of the pictures, everyone looks pretty distinguished, and I look like I am staring at Annie's ass...or maybe garter again. I think overall I fluffed well, I am most proud of where they are standing facing each other and Annie's dress is draped over the stairs. Pretty sweet, isn't it?

Perfectly fluffed dress

We all exited as per usual wedding, and Mike and David gooned/ushered people out. We headed over to the Mansion for the reception, and I realized something. I think weddings, as a rule, freak me out. When I was standing up there with Dan and Annie, I wasn't freaked out at all. I was nervous, but I was basically just really really really happy. It was awesome that they were getting married, and I was really happy to be there, and really proud to be part of it. I was thinking about how the two of them are basically family, and we'll be friends till we die or I fart one time too many. Was actually a really cool experience to be right there at ground zero of the vows, and I think I will always remember it very clearly. At least, I will remember every crease and ruffle of the tail of Annie's Dress...

Dutifully fluffing

We all got announced and came down the stairs. I was expecting one of the Groomsmen to make a speech when the couple stopped half way down the stairs. Someone poked me and I just went up instead. I toasted them, neglecting the speech I had written earlier, and just kind of said what was on my mind. I feel it was acceptable. Nate, Dan's brother gave a really good speech, and I think Dan set the proper mood with a very characteristic "thanks guys" at the end of the speeches which everyone found to be funny.

Any cross examination?

Just as the wedding had been pretty much perfect, I think the reception was pretty much perfect too. The food was awesome, and the drinks were nice and stiff. Everyone seemed to have an awesome time, and I think Dan and Annie liked it too. I didn't realize that clinking on your glass meant you were inciting the couple to kiss... for a while I was going under the assumption that many many toasts had failed to launch. When I found out that you could make them kiss by clinking, I made a point to do it, while staring, and saying "kiss...yes...kiss" in a creepy Mike Paulin voice. I think there might also be a photo of them Kissing, a professional one, that would otherwise be really sweet were it not for me giving a huge grin and thumbs up behind/inbetween them.

Later there was dancing, and as Emily noted "Neither Mike nor Ed can dance... at all... oh god it's so bad... I can't bel... it's just SO BAD". That being said, Mike and I managed to "skank", a move taught to us by Andi (mutual friend), and that was kind of cool. Dan was undoubtedly the most popular dancer of the night, but I managed to pull off a few cheesy moves like "mow the lawn", and "harpoon the Mike Paulin and drag him on to the dance floor"... that one was actually kind of awesome. David managed to restrain himself from break dancing, though I knew he wanted to. I also got to catch up with some Naperville crew, Kyle, Alyson, Lauren, Brendan, and it was nice to hang out with them a bit. Kari and Scott were also at the wedding, and it was awesome to see them- but I regret not hanging out with them more and getting some photos with them. They're really awesome people, I should have interacted with them more. Hadn't seen them sinze Liz's wedding. Oh well, next wedding?

The only dissapointment of the evening was that when David asked the DJ if he had Rick Astley's "never gonna give you up", he was told that "no, we don't, sorry". It would have been awesome for him to Rick Roll the wedding, it's really a shame it didn't happen. The night ended with a song by Avril Lavigne "Skater Boy", classic Annie planning. Everyone sang along and kicked about and looked ridiculous.

Heres a video that my brother uploaded on to youtube of everyone dancing, it's pretty ridiculous:

David's wedding video: Dancing

Yea, that's right.

I also managed to get the garter when it was thrown by Dan. I guess it's the male version of when the girl throws flowers. I was happy to get it, though I don't know what significance it has. The significance I do know of is... theres pictures of me oggling the garter from before the wedding, there's pictures of me staring at it (maybe) during the wedding, and then theres a picture of me showing it off after I caught it. Basically, people are going to get the idea that I am a garter fetishist based on the photographic evidence available.

It was an awesome wedding, and an awesome reception. Those two really pulled it off, and I think they had the perfect event. I was really happy to be there, and really proud to be in the wedding party. I certainly was able to appreciate how important they both are to me, and how significant they have been, are, and will be in my life. I see them as kind of a model of a married couple, and they're a great couple.

A beautiful wedding, or something

It was also really cool to have such a strong Soderberg presence there. I kind of thought of it as an old fashioned thing with several Celtic Tribes. Dan's family had a large presence of course, but the Soderberg Clan was huge...(if not in number, at least in significance) and we aren't even technically related. My mother talks about Dan and Annie (and Mike) as if we are all family, as if we are a joined clan with sweet weapons and packages (part of this might be that we don't really have extended family). Still, it was a really chest warming affirmation to have such a big presence (Me, Fiona, David, my Mother). We all sat close to the couple at the reception, 2 of us were in the wedding party (3 including Mike), 3 (4 with Mike) were announced, and I think we all feel that those two are really kind of family/family friends forever.

I can't wait for a Harry Potter-a-thon with those two, as well as watching the startrek porno.

Make it so